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avalon

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avalon

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October 17th, 2006

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blow me dandelion
i'm really attached to my journal.  i have no intention of leaving it or deleting it.

However.

i've been thinking....

What would i say, what would i write, if i thought NO ONE woud EVER read it?  If i weren't writing for an audience, so to speak, or venting semi-anonymously like i do here...

What kinds of things would i dare to (finally) write about....

Only 4 people, including me, know that this journal exists.  This journal only has one "friend."  Lately i've been thinking about removing that "friend" for various reasons.  Felt pretty "safe" here for a while, but then something happened recently that made me feel less "safe."  And "safe" is a big deal for me, yo.

So many things i want to write about.  Seriously.  i want to write about myspace and silly passive-aggressive "bulletins" and "memes" and the like.  "Let's find out who here really believes in God....really wants equal rights for gays..."  Slap a 75-cent foreign-made magnetic yellow ribbon on your gas-guzzling air-polluting SUV, send in some yucky lids from chemical-laden Yoplait so they'll donate a freakin dime to breast cancer research... dude you just spent more on the goddamned stamp.  Will your best friend, Jesus, be there to catch you when you fall from the pedestal you've put yourself on?  Hah, Buddy Christ.  Yeah.  You want to preach at me about hell and right and wrong and sin?  i've got a mirror for you.

i am so stressed out right now.  i feel like i'm in some kind of vortex and there's this pull, like a super magnet, and i know what is going to happen next and there is nothing i can do about it and i can't talk about it.  i can't articulate it, i can't put it into words.  But i KNOW.  There is dread in my soul.

When are YOU real?
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May 22nd, 2006

Frustration

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blow me dandelion
It's only a little after noon, and i'm having a VERY bad day so far.

Dentist office called. i'm maxed out on my insurance. This is SO not good considering the work i still need to have done and the pain i'm in.

Lava and BB are driving me NUTS.

i have a terrible headache which i think is related to the dental issues.

My body is doing very strange things regarding LH surge. i think. Time to re-read (with a hilighter!) TCOYF.

i don't want to have to be "on" today. But i have no choice.

May 19th, 2006

product endorsement!

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ribbons of rain
Bacardi Silver - Strawberry:

DEEEEEElicious!

Yum.

That is all.

May 15th, 2006

some random thoughts

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blow me dandelion


OK, i think i'm going to refer to my youngest boy as BB. BB had quite a cough earlier this evening! He and Lava are in bed now though. i wonder if BB will be able to go to school tomorrow.

i didn't get a whole lot done today because i've been hurting all day. i've had a migraine creeping up all day and it's starting to really get to me. i definitely won't be here at this PC much longer.

Most of the time, i feel so disconnected from all my friends (besides K of course!), even though one of my best friends lives right down the street, and another close friend i see usually once a week or so.

i was thinking earlier today about the way i spend money...especially as compared to how i used to spend money.

Some things i don't ever want to blow money on againCollapse )

It's still cold in here

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It's 50-some degrees outside, but it's friggin' FREEZING in here! Still! K just mentioned that it is really hot at her office and here i am freezing my ass off LOL.

Still haven't decided what i'm going to call my youngest boy on here, but i will say that he almost missed the bus this morning! It was an extremely stressful and frustrating morning for me. Lava has been seriously on my nerves.

i found some cool icons so i'll try to get those uploaded soon. i'm just gradually setting up shop here. :-)

Landlord came by looking for the rent (it's due today plus we owe half of last month's) but i didn't have anything to give him. Hopefully that check will come in the mail the next day or two.

Lava pulled a leaf and flower cluster off a tree in the yard so i reprimanded him, had him put it in the compost, and told him to apologize to the tree which he did.

i was right, i was certainly hating myself this morning for staying up so late last night. And now, i've got to get going because we haven't had lunch yet. i also need to work on laundry and make some phone calls. And hopefully get warm!

First Entry

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i am up way too late and it is freezing in here. It's been a nice Mother's Day. The boys (with VM's help) got me some flowers and garden stuff and made me bizarre little cards. K took me to TGIFriday's for a late lunch/early dinner and she also got me some books. i've already started reading a bit on one of them and i really like it so far! It's about unassisted childbirth. i think the time has come, sooner than we thought it would, for us to get serious about having a baby together. We have a sperm donor lined up, and i will probably be ovulating in about two weeks. Wow.

Cat threw up in the living room today and she keeps hacking/wheezing like she's doing it again, but so far they've been false alarms.

i guess i need to decide how i'm going to refer to the boys on here. i don't really want to use their real names. i know for oldest boy, i will use Cactus, and for middle boy i will use Lava, but i don't know about youngest boy. i'll have to think on that one a bit. For now though i need to wrap things up and get ready for bed. i am going to hate myself when the alarms go off in the morning.

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